life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
