Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
