If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
