Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
