i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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