My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
