matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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