They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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