He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
