I faked an abortion last night.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
