The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
