just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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