and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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