he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
