I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Randomize