i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
