Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
