I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
