when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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