babies were throwing up all over the place
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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