did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Michael Bay diarrhea
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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