oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
