can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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