No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
