I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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