worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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