You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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