I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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