I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
