why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
