Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
