For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize