Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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