Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
