I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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