I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
