Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
