my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
