you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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