i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
