im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
