Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
