I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
