I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
