It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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