Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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