u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
