you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize