Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
