as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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