i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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