Rock
Scissors
Fuck
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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