Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize