also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize