DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize