just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
