he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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