I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
